When I turned 20 years old, all I wanted was to be embraced by Jesus. I had changed my major to Biblical Studies and Theology, I was getting married, I had a teaching position at a local church in my college town, and I was about to begin applying to seminaries so I could become a bonafide biblical scholar.
I wanted to be Jesus's favorite sheep.
When you pursue and study the life of Jesus, not as an academic endeavor but as an ideal to meet, you are struck by how difficult it is. Not only due to the high demands placed to be "perfect (or complete) as your Father in heaven is perfect." but also due to the lack of clarity Jesus really gives. What does it mean to be Christian? Jesus doesn't provide a clear answer.
From Paul onwards, those who have studied the Christian canon of their time–which is a post in of itself–have sought to provide an answer to what it means to live as a Christian. You hear arguments in Christian circles about what is a "real" christian vs. which is a false witness. Antichrists are everywhere. And almost always, the voices that speak "truth" are the ones that validate the cultural preconceptions that were already held by the audience. These ideals may also be challenges to conquer, but it doesn't mean they are representative of Christian thought.
The protestant work-ethic is a famous example. Protestants, who in the 17th and 18th century were keen on colonizing the Western world, used biblical theology from the teachings of Paul to argue for the emergence of capitalism, to sacrifice yourself for the profit of those more powerful, and the ethical defense of slavery (Avalos, 2013). All of this stood in stark contrast to the story of Mary and Martha, where the contemplative Mary who had chosen rest instead of toil, "had chosen the better thing."
However, Protestants had tasted power throughout history. They understood how they could control and shape the world by claiming chiefly that the Bible, and the Bible alone, was a closed document that stood as the sole infallible and inerrant truth that could not be contradicted (despite over 450 English translations that would say otherwise). Secondly, they placed emphasis on works using James and Paul to justify the atrocities of capitalism. And thirdly, they used this "infallible" and "inerrant" book to argue for hierarchies based on race, gender, and tribe.
Looking at the American Evangelical Complex that currently is at the height of its power, it is not a strained argument to say that Jesus would not feel welcomed, much less safe in current day Christianity. A Jesus who loved humanity so much that he would leave heaven to embody it is not compelling to a Church that wishes to grind for their salvation. A church who would rather abdicate their responsibility of living in resurrection by continuously surrendering to an act of violence and shame at the cross. A church who continuously sides with those who throw stones rather than defending the one being targeted. A church who covers up abuse of all kinds. The institution of the church is as dead as it had been at the Reformation. Reform was not enough to Revive.
As I studied and panicked over these findings, I had to face every answer the American Church had provided and reject them for the questions that Jesus had asked. Death, sex, marriage, afterlife, drugs, cursing, emotions, relationships, ethics, gender, power–name a topic and I had to rethink it over. Some things I listed aren't even discussed by Jesus or the Bible.
Instead of defining what was, I had to find what wasn't. Jesus wasn't simple. The Bible wasn't infallible. The Bible wasn't consistent. Jesus wasn't consistent. Jesus wasn't powerful. The Bible wasn't a history book. It definitely wasn't a science book. The Bible wasn't a psychology book. God wasn't male. God wasn't only a God of Goodness. What the fuck is this religion then?
What I am describing is known as deconstruction. It is this process by which a person of any faith comes to a crossroads with the absolutes provided by a religious institution and finds them lacking for their spiritual needs. In order to be revived, what was first established has to die. It is the same story as Jesus, now being reenacted with belief.
For some, revival never happens. Faith goes to the tomb and stays there forever. Sometimes this is blissful, liberating. Sometimes this is horrifying, violent, and agonizing. Whatever the case, what happens in the tomb is Mysterious. Like physical death, spiritual death is a phenomenon that cannot be rightly qualified or universalized–only that it is a process that many go through. It is not a pre-requisite for authentic spirituality, only one of many expressions of it.
But for some, the journey does not stop there. For many, what was buried deep germinates. It sprouts and grows. It creates new things. Things that in the prior stages of faith were not able to be comprehended, much less imagined. It's Earthy. Transcendent. Beautiful. Terrifying. Diverse. One. Contradictory. Unified.
But above all else, it is ambiguous. This blog is a dedication to that ambiguity. It is a dedication to the spiritual, ontological, political, and psychological realms of religious life that are often not discussed in institutionalized settings. In this blog I will discuss gender, white supremacy, deconstruction, figures of primarily Christianity that I want to punch in the face and/or balls, and figures who I think probably had an inkling on what we modern day Spiritualists are experiencing. I'll also write poetry, detail simple days, write prayers that may buck at traditional understandings of it, I'll write about what I'm building in my faith with the spiritual language I've been afforded by Christianity. All else, this is space to exist under what I cannot possibly understand but have been invited to intimately know.
If you are an individual who craves spiritual empathy. This place is for you. If you're a person who wants to rant in my comments about how I'm the devil or how much anger you hold at God, this place is for you. If you are a person who has no idea what they believe, this place is for you. Above all else, this is meant to be a space that processes the past and envisions what the future could be like. It will probably be different for all of us.
Maybe for you it's Christianity, maybe it's a deep regard for Nature, maybe it's simply an esoteric axiom, but maybe, like me you're just (A)Theist.